I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
