From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
