Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize