He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
