This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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