i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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