I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
