My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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