Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
