Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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