I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
