Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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