Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I can't turn off my feet"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
