He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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