I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
