i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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