I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
