I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
