i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
