Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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