How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
