I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
