Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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