I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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