I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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