Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
