I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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