she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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