he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
