What a fucking waste of an outfit
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
