i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
