I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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