every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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