i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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