He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
