my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
