i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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