My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
