if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
