We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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