I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
