My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
