No awkward lesbian experiences without me
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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