The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
