I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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