For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
