man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
