textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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