I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
