just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
