If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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