My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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