FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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