Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
