my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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