Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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