My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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