He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
