I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
