I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
