Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Who wears a wallet chain?!
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
