I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
