The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
